You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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