I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize