I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
