no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
