she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Did I show you my penis last night?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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