Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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