just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
you had me at cake vodka
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize