btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
