If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
