I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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