just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
