My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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