burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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