i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
