I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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