I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
