I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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