Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize