i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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