I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
