Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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