Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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