the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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