I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
