You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
