Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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