there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Naked Twister starts at high noon
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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