I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
please come you make the beer taste better
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
