So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
