think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
