I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
