New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
