She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
