my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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