Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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