I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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