we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
