Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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