maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
