well I can't set my house on fire every night
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He better not be in your backpack
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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