dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
