I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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