Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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