Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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