Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
This is my gift to your gina
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
