Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Girls should come with a carfax report
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I need a beard to bite.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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