I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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