Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
