i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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