I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
