I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize