I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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