I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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