So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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