Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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