this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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