I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
