I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Operation Purity has been aborted
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
